I hardly slept last night, but who did?
As I begin this (5:00 MST) it’s looking cautiously promising.
I’ve been waiting for Arizona. I need Arizona to go blue. I need that last sign that I’m making the absolutely correct fucking decision in staying here. I know that we’ve gone blue, though. We passed 208 and the weed bill (207?). We now have two democratic senators.
To use a 2020 word — UNPRECEDENTED for Arizona. So, like, I’m already proud of this state. But will I MARRY this state? That remains to be seen. I’d sure feel a helluva lot better about this whole “living in Arizona” thing if I could at least know the state (most of it, at least) made a right and good choice in the 2020 Election, you know?
Today was actually really good.
I didn’t sleep much last night, but who did? Probably won’t get much sleep tonight either. So what? I’m sure we’ll all have time to catch up on sleep.
But today was good. I woke up nervous about the election, but feeling relieved, for now, about my health and excited about our upcoming move to Tucson.
Today was an A Day, which means all of my classes were high schoolers. Mostly juniors and seniors. My students are really thoughtful, empathic young people. I knew that many of them, like many of us grownups, would need a sort of mental health day. Even if they weren’t fussed about the election, I know this year has been so, so hard on them.
So I told them that today was going to be a “human being day.” And I had every student — whether on camera or in the chat (privately or publicly) — tell us ONE thing that was GOOD about YESTERDAY and one thing that SUCKED about YESTERDAY.
Some students said things like “I ate an awesome burrito, but I didn’t get to do any skateboarding.”
Some students said, “I got to Zoom with one of my best friends, but I’m not doing so great in math.”
One student flipped the script. She started with her “suck” and on camera told us about what was going on at home. It was A LOT. Big shit. Like hard-for-adults-on-a-good-day shit. And she cried. And I cried. And I said, “My girl. That is too much for an adult, much less a teenager.” And she nodded and cried some more, and I cried some more and we moved on.
When it came to me, I told them about my good PET scan results, and that I was nervous about the Election (good/suck, respectively). Each class cheered (vocally, with emojis) when I told them about my PET scan. That’s the caliber of kid I’ve had the privilege of working with in Flagstaff. But I think all teenagers are this way, because they’re just young people, if they’re treated well by the adults in their life and educated well by the adults in their life.
And what I wanted to “teach” them today, if I could teach them anything at all, was that everyone gets scared. That’s part of life. The question is how do we control our scared feelings? How do we take charge of our anxiety so it doesn’t totally fucking ruin our lives. (Sometimes it requires medication; sometimes not. Sometimes therapy; sometimes not, but we live in Modern Times and it’s totally FINE AND GOOD AND RIGHT to get mental health care — whether that means medicine or talking or both. And if you don’t believe in health care or western/modern medicine, I am not here to fight you. You do you. What I’m saying is that as far as I’m concerned, I’m going to take advantage of western/modern medicine to the fullest extent. I don’t want to suffer shit out that can be treated. No hate or judgement toward those who feel differently.)
And it went SO. FUCKING. WELL. Like we connected on some next level shit. I don’t think a person left any of those Zoom calls (but for those poor souls who could not even, turned their cameras off and peaced out) feeling WORSE about life or feeling MORE isolated. On the contrary, I think we all left feeling like “okay. If we got each other, we got this.” And sometimes, often, that’s enough.
I felt overwhelmed with love for each of them. I hope someday, before FALA is only a memory in my life, that I can be with them in a classroom again. That I can hug the seniors goodbye this year.
I may not get that wish. I’m prepared for that. So are they, I think.
But sometimes, I guess what I’m saying, is maybe our role as educators (I prefer educators to teachers, but again, I’m not the arbiter of nomenclature, nor do I want to be) is to TEACH or SHOW kids some examples of how we get through the bumpy stuff without falling apart. (Hint: sometimes we fall apart for a minute.
It’s okay if young people know this — in fact it’s probably good if
they know this so they aren’t so damn hard on themselves — the way we were so hard on ourselves — when they do
what we also
did.
Let’s stop making
nervous robots of our citizens
Let’s stop producing Americans
who hate education because
the only thing they ever associate it with
is failure and humiliation.
We, adults, can make this happen now.
And if you’re in education and unwilling
to make this happen
then might I, bluntly, suggest
another career path?
I have learned, vis-a-vis teens and sometimes adolescents, that most people
start out really good and kind and hopeful and helpful and forgiving
IF the adults in their lives
don’t completely fuck them up.
Or if the adults are mostly fucking up
another ONE (at least ONE) good and decent adult
needs to enter the picture by eighteen or
that person is going to have a hard, hard road.
ONE person.
Anyway. I am feeling hopeful as of this writing (now 5:30 pm MST)
I told a friend today that no matter what happens, just like I had decided no matter what happens with my PET scan results, I will fight like hell. Like motherfucking HELL because my body is the only body I’ve got, and America is the only home country I’ve got. (Am so very jealous, these stressful days, of you readers with dual citizenship. Good for you, but, if this goes to shit . . . take me with you? I’m a GREAT cook and a fairly decent storyteller and mostly pretty quiet and don’t take up much space . . . I’m also pretty good with tech like if you’re not tech savvy, I’d make a great live-in literature/ELA teacher . . .)
Alas. Can’t just up and go when it goes to shit.
I mean, most of the time, you owe it a little to your
friends, family, community, students, patients, children
to try to stick it out a little bit.
(I mean, Sarah and I are up and going because my healthcare went to shit, but that’s a little different.)
Also, I am ruefully laughing at the idea of Americans being immigrants. Hope the globe treats ya better than you’ve treated your immigrants, America.
Hang in there, reader. I have a gut feeling that we’re going to know something tonight, and then go into the next Unknown, but maybe it will be the kind of Unknown that isn’t quite so goddamn scary. (And if it’s scary, we’ll deal with that, too, it’s just going to fall hard in the “suck column.”)
