Ted Cruz is an alcoholic

Allison Gruber
7 min readMar 25, 2022

Maybe Ted Cruz doesn’t drink liquor.
Maybe Ted Cruz doesn’t snort cocaine like Trump & Co.
Maybe Ted Cruz doesn’t hit anything harder than potato salad.
Ted Cruz is still a drunk, and just like all drunks sick on the darkness and the miserable quest for more money and more power and more notoriety. Frankly, I don’t know what that drunken fuck is doing at this point, I only know I despise him in a way I haven’t despised a political figure in recent years (and that’s truly saying something — there’s a lot out there in America’s congress to despise). And I think he draws my attention because he looks like the bad guy, the villain, the monster. He is outwardly as repulsive as his record of “work” in the senate. And like some, but not all, drunks Ted Cruz seems to have absolutely no self-awareness, no dignity, and truly no principles. He’s a drunken psycho is what Ted Cruz is. And there are lots of drunken psychos out there, but this motherfucker is in the senate.

And for people like Ted Cruz, there is no salvation. Best case scenario they take their drunken, psychotic dispositions to the corporate world, or even better case scenario they wad up all their cash and slink back into the gutter from which they slithered. Ted Cruz’s never go away, and their gremlin spawn (see Marjorie Taylor Greene & Lauren Boebert) just get more drunken and stupid and malevolent in their idiot quests for money and power. They are incapable of loving any life but their own. They are compassion deficient. Their empathy seed “failed to thrive.” There are even Ted Cruz’s in the broader animal world, I’m certain — what’s the Ted Cruz of the animal world? might just be my favorite political question ever. Can I have an interview show? — but the only animal capable of widespread human suffering and chaos and carnage, literal and proverbial, is the human animal. The ferrets and spider monkeys and parrots are quite limited in their scopes of influence and moreover, contrary to what the entire college freshman baseball team insisted while I tried to teach them Darwin, humans are the only ones keenly aware of their own mortality which makes them have ambitions which are sometimes incredibly stupid and sometimes incredibly evil and sometimes, holy shit, they are both!

And Ted Cruz is an alcoholic because he is a man who is incapable of being honest with himself. If he was honest with himself, he would see the further harm he has done, and continues to do, in “service” to our nation, and he would resign his post. So would Boebert. And Green. And Jim fucking Jordan. And Pelosi. And Schumer. And even Uncle Joe. I am exhausted of the Old American Guard who just hasn’t cut it so far for this tax paying, law abiding (except for a few times in the 90s and early aughts) American. And I am an American. Were that I weren’t. Had my ancestors remained in England, Ireland, France, Germany I wouldn’t exist, and I have enjoyed (and continue to enjoy, thank you very much) my life. So I am an American. Given my circumstances (broke, health problems, divorcement) I am not going to up and start over in a new country. Hell, it was hard enough starting over in the American Southwest, and will be hard again to start over again in the American Midwest.

I am an American, and at the end of the day I do care about the country and the citizens of this country. Virtually all of my friends are Americans. 100% of my dearest friends are Americans. I have never known a life in another country. Wanted to, but it never happened for me. And while I hope to travel in the not-too-distant future, I will never know what it’s like to live in, say, Europe. That wasn’t in my cards. It’s okay. That’s what well-traveled friends, good books, and documentaries are for.

I am an American and I am also a recovering alcoholic. What this means is that I do not drink alcohol and that in my early days of this final (I hope) attempt to quit drinking, I used the help of a 12 step program to lay a foundation for staying “quit.” Often, I found myself in opposition to some of the rules and regs of “the program.” Sometimes I wanted to quit, but I didn’t. I remained for a year, and may still go to meetings when I feel a meeting is necessary, but the structure of this program, as I knew it (only on Zoom, mind you) did not always seem reasonable for my life and my lifestyle nor did it always align with some of my core beliefs about human nature and humanity itself. And at first I was mad about these points of disconnect. Then, I learned to accept them and to use many of the good tools availed to me for coping with my life without heavily drinking. And it helped me to understand the origins of my drinking — the ones I came by honestly, and those that were ways-of-thinking I had developed as a means to survive, as a queer female in this world, which no longer served me. And I had to let go, and quitting drinking helped me let go of a lot more than just the bottle.

What I mean to say, is I think you can be sober and drink alcohol. I think you can be sober and smoke pot. I think you can be sober and spend a Saturday on mushrooms (never drawn toward psychadelics myself). For me, sobriety is about clarity and presence in every moment I can possibly manage to be clear and present. For me, sobriety is about trying to move toward light, to not linger in darkness, to preserve hope, and to always perceive what is. And sobriety is about compassion — toward yourself, and toward others. Always compassion. And this is hard. Especially where it concerns Ted Cruz and my smouldering dislike of this man who looks like a sweaty, jaundiced, booze bloated predator with bad posture because that is what his soul looks like. And if he could just go live in the woods and jerk off to all his money, I wouldn’t even talk about him, but the psycho’s call is coming from inside the house. Or more specifically the senate.

Why do I need this? That is a question I ask myself often. I’m in a divorcement apartment, broke like a teen, trying to find work, trying to find healthcare (found it today! thank god for Medicaid! & Rush! — Cancer Center, not Limbaugh), and I find myself asking “Why do I need this?” As I plan, budget, prepare. Why do I need this? If I need it only to “escape,” then I really don’t want it because I want to find my life, to love my life, to live my life, not escape my life.

And I’ve learned, through a lot of hard work, a lot of stops and starts, a lot of failure, and a lot of little successes, what is absolutely intolerable to me. Alcohol is first on that list. It’s actually not a very long list, to be honest.
Ted Cruz must be on it somewhere. Man-made human suffering is intolerable to me. Human suffering is normal, suffering inflicted upon us by politicians and other mad kings is not natural, is not normal, is not tolerable. And all my adult life I took positions with schools and organizations that aligned with my values — liberty, justice, progress, compassion. And these places usually don’t pay the big bucks, but I never worked for money, and as I sit here in my divorcement apartment with no job in close sight, I wonder if that was an error. Then I think of the life I’ve led. I don’t have many regrets about my life (a few, but nothing that a little therapy can’t iron right out — isn’t that how the Sinatra song goes?), and I’ve lived as someone who embraces change. I’ve lived my values which are, at least partly, American values. And that hasn’t been rewarded in dollars, but it’s been rewarded in love and transformative experiences and there is no way to purchase those things. They just happen.

And then I look at Ted Cruz, his sweat glistened slug face, and I think, “No amount of money is worth that.” And in this way, Ted Cruz becomes a point of gratitude when all else fails, “I am not Ted Cruz.”

And if you’re waiting for me to cite evidence of why Ted Cruz is a bad man, please Google Ted Cruz. And if you’re an American who doesn’t know who Ted Cruz is . . . Not to be a scold, but you really should pay a bit more attention. This guy can fuck with your actual life. And will certainly fuck with the actual life of your kids and their kids if the planet survives.

Be good, hooligans. I’m glad none of you are Ted Cruz.

**Ted Cruz, if you’re reading this, 1) resign 2) go to AA if you have a drinky problem/find a 12 step program for your main issue be it rage/resentment/small dick . . . I say this as a lesbian with no opinion on “dick,” I just know you men get so frightfully preoccupied with your dicks.3) Buy a ranch, drink beer, make paintings with George W. Bush, I don’t care. Just stay out of any occupation where you are tasked with making decisions that impact the lives of other living beings. Divorce your wife. Do her a favor and let her go. You can atone. Not for me or America, but maybe for yourself and your God.